River Story: Are You So Foolish?
In April of 1990 at the age of 30 I became the Senior Pastor of Bethel Christian Fellowship in St. Paul, MN. When I arrived the church was needing to rediscover its' identity and destiny, “Who are we and where are we going?”
I had come from a thriving congregation experiencing significant spiritual renewal in Northern Minnesota that I had served for 5 1/2 years. I came with a large reserve of good will, spiritual vitality, and the energy of youth. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work.
For the first 4 years I was working hard to fill the hole at BCF by shoveling from my reserve into that hole until one day I realized that not only was the hole at BCF was not yet filled but my reserve was gone and I was digging a hole in my own soul!
Things came to a head one summer day in 1994 when one of my elders who was my closest friend and co-laborer in the church came to me to let me know that due to a move away geographically and a desire to connect into their new community he and his family would be finding a new church. Anyway he said, “We wanted to stay at BCF through all the transition but now that things have stabilized we are confident that things will be well.”
In my soul I was saying, “You think things are well? Don't you see I am dying here! I have used all my gifts and poured out all my energy and there is still a hole in the church and now I have a hole in my soul.”
The next day I called in “sick” to take a mental health day. I never took a day off because I was working so hard to fill the hole but I simply could not bring myself to go into the office. I live about a 1/2 mile from the Mississippi river in St. Paul and so that day I decided to take a walk along the river.
I drove to Hidden Falls and then walked the path down to where the river curves around, by Fort Snelling. I was deep in anguish and my head was buried in my chest. When I came to that open place in the path I looked up and realized that a huge Minnesota thunderstorm was rolling in quickly. I turned around and began walking back on the path which I had come. The storm caught up to me and it began raining. Then I walked out of the woods into an open field area and it began hailing on me!
At that moment the storm around me perfectly matched the storm within me. I stopped, lifted up my head and hands toward the skies and shouted, “OK God, I quit! I can't do it anymore. Why don't you just take me home now!” And at that moment I heard Him say to me “Are you so foolish, (though I think He said stupid), after beginning in the Spirit are you now trying to attain your goal through human effort?” ( I did not have that scripture memorized but later looked it up and it is Galatians 3:3.)
At that moment nothing changed, and everything changed. I realized that I was attempting to fill a hole that only He had the ability to fill. That day I began a journey of surrender to and leaning into the Spirit which carried me into a total of 26 fruitful years of ministry at BCF. And I continue the journey now in my new role as the President of the Pilgrim Center for Reconciliation.
I am forever grateful that He touched me along the river.
by Jim Olson
The River Story Map
Created and coordinated by volunteer extraordinaire Michael Bischoff, the River Story Map kicks off FMR's silver anniversary year with 25+ stories of friendship with and connection to the metro Mississippi. These honest and personal reflections portray the river as a source of intrigue and adventure, a beloved date night venue, and even an unlikely partner in tales of loss and healing. We hope you enjoy them and consider adding your personal story of friendship with the Mississippi River.